


Who Dealt It

by Geoduck



Category: Fruits Basket
Genre: Embarrassment, Farting, Gen, Humor, I can't believe I wrote a fart-humor story in this the year of our lord two thousand and nineteen, Second-Hand Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 03:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18842470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geoduck/pseuds/Geoduck
Summary: It was another lovely dinner from Tohru. A dinner unfortunately interrupted by a very rude noise.





	Who Dealt It

Yuki closed his eyes as he chewed. These dinners were turning into the highlight of the day. Delicious food, some nice conversation. Recently, even the idiot cat and deviant dog had been on… perhaps ‘good behavior’ was an overstatement, but possibly ‘mediocre behavior’? ‘Barely acceptable in polite society’? ‘Meeting the basic parameters of civilized people’?

Yuki picked up a piece of pickled  _ daikon  _ with his chopsticks.

**_*braap*_ **

At the sudden noise, Yuki jerked his hand, and the  _ daikon  _ went flying. ‘Did that idiot just  **fart** ? Right at the table?’ He glared at Kyo across the table. The cat was smirking at Yuki’s chopstick  _ faux pas _ .

‘Why is he so smug? Well, I’m not going to interrupt my dinner and cause a scene for one f…’

**_*BRAAAAP*_ **

Yuki threw his chopsticks down. “You should say ‘excuse me!’ Even a stupid cat should know  **that** much!”

Kyo jumped to his feet. “It wasn’t me, ya damn rat. How do I know it wasn’t y…”

**_*braaap*_ **

Yuki and Kyo turned. Tohru was shaking slightly. Her face was redder than either of them had ever seen it before. Yuki got a sick feeling in his stomach.

“I mean, sorry, excuse me!” Kyo said loudly.

“Never mind, it’s not a big deal, sometimes it happens, and you can’t really help it. Sorry for yelling.” Yuki answered, just as loudly.

Kyo sat down. Both he and Yuki were slightly flushed.

‘Don’t look at Honda-san, don’t look at Honda-san.’

**_*BR…_ **

Yuki coughed as loudly as he could to drown out the noise of the fart.

“Are you getting a cold, you dam… I mean, ‘Yuki’?” Kyo asked with loud fake concern.

“No, I just got a grain of rice stuck in the back of my throat!”

Yuki looked Kyo in the eye. A silent negotiation occurred.

_ ‘I covered for this one, you cover for the next one.’ _

_ ‘We’ll alternate. Truce for now.’ _

_ ‘Agreed.’ _

**_*BRA…_ **

“*ACHOO*!” Kyo sneezed the loudest, fakest sneeze Yuki had ever heard.

“Are you coming down with a cold, stu… I mean, ‘Kyo’?”

“No, it’s just allergies. A lot of pollen in the air.”

As soon as he said it, Yuki and Kyo both winced. ‘That idiot! It’s December!’

While waiting for the next sound, Yuki stealthily reached for the drawer on the cabinet near him and gently opened it.

**_*BRA…_ **

*SLAM* “Oh, excuse me, I shouldn’t have closed the drawer that hard.”

**_*BRA…_ **

*THUMP* “Oh, sorry, it looks like I accidentally kicked the table leg.”

**_*BRA…_ **

Yuki yawned louder than he ever had before in his entire life. “Wow, it’s weird how you get sleepy early on winter nights.”

**_*BRA…_ **

*CRASH* “Oh geez, I’m sorry, I broke my bowl. But don’t you worry about it, Tohru, I’ll clean it up.”

Tohru, whose face managed to turn even redder in the meantime, finally fled the table into the kitchen. The three men heard her go upstairs, enter her bedroom, and slam her door shut.

Yuki and Kyo slumped down on the floor.

“That was way too much for me. I don’t think I could have dealt with another one.”

“Our  **crockery** couldn’t have dealt with another one. Breaking your bowl?”

“I didn’t have any ideas! I panicked! She didn’t notice I dropped it on purpose… did she?”

“You didn’t drop it, you  **hurled** it to the ground. It was obvious.”

“Not like your acting was all that great, either. What if she asked you what you were looking for in that drawer?”

“I’d say I was looking for nail clippers.”

“That’s  **my** line, ya damn rat!”

“Since when?”

Not feeling like they had an energy for a proper quarrel, let alone a fight, they slumped down again.

“What the  **hell** had she been eating today? I didn’t think someone that small could… you know… so loudly.”

“Don’t talk about it like it was her fault she… you know.”

“But you gotta admit. I wouldn’t have imagined that if she… you know… that it would be so loud.”

“Or so frequent. I hope her stomach isn’t hurting her. She must have had a lot of… you know… if she had to… you know… so much.”

Shigure snickered. “My, what gentlemen the two of you are. You won’t even say the word ‘fart’ when talking about her.”

Kyo grunted. “Shut up. And why the hell didn’t  **you** help, you useless adult?”

“He has a point.  **Why** didn’t  **you** help Tohru from embarrassing herself?”

Shigure smiled and waved a finger. “Now, now. I could have joined in the fun, but you two knights in shining armor did an admirable job of saving your damsel in distress all on your own.”

The two flushed slightly at the comment.

“But I must admit that you’re right. I could have done more, and I apologize. For instance…” He picked up a small brown plastic box with an antenna sticking out. “I could have stopped pressing this button.” He held down a red button on the box.

**_*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*_ **

The two stared at Shigure. Yuki reached under and felt the bottom of the table until he found another box taped to it. He pulled it out. The box had a speaker and an antenna. Kyo and Yuki looked at it a moment. Then they looked at Shigure’s seat at the table. A seat that was now empty.

A clock ticked.

“SHIGURE!” 

With his lead of a few seconds, Shigure had already scampered down the  _ engawa _ , then jumped off and scurried around to the front door.

The two boys were close behind and gaining. Through the front door, past the  _ genkan _ , into the hall, and getting Shigure’s bedroom door slammed in their faces. They held their heads in pain from the collision.

“Open up this door!”

“You bastard, why did you do that?”

“You can’t stay in there forever.”

“Because of you Tohru thinks that  **we** think that she… you know.”

“Honda-san is probably crying her eyes out right now.”

* * *

In her bedroom, Tohru was crying her eyes out.

She held a pillow to her face to muffle her giggles.

She wiped the tears from her eyes, and tried to control her breathing. It was hard when she was laughing that hard. She paused a few seconds. “Oh mom… it was the  **funniest** thing I have  **ever** seen. Th-they were so sure I was farting… and they did everything to drown it out.”

Tohru giggled some more. “K-kyo-kun… he threw his rice bowl down like a baseball pitch! I wish you had been here to see it! The l-looks in their eyes…” she dissolved into a giggling mess once again.

She flopped down on her bed, smiling, occasionally chuckling. “Still, it  **was** very sweet of them to try keep my feelings from being hurt. I’ll have to thank them for that, later.”

She thought for a moment, until she grinned. “And right after that, I’ll go…” She blew a raspberry. “...and see the looks on their faces.”

**Author's Note:**

> EPILOGUE:
> 
> Surprisingly, Yuki and Kyo didn't murder Shigure. Yuki did steal the fart machine, however. And while in the office, put the speaker in Nao's backpack.
> 
> After that Nao had yet another reason to hate Yuki.
> 
> \- - - 
> 
> I can't believe it. I can't believe I wrote a fart joke story for Fruits Basket.
> 
> I started off with the thought that you know you're comfortable with someone when you can fart in front of them. Then I imagined the first time that Tohru farted in front of the boys. And I planned a story about how they were appalled and Tohru was embarrassed, and they went to ridiculous lengths to cover for her. Then I realized it would be even funnier if it wasn't even her, and with that twist, the story was pretty much complete, except for the writing.
> 
> Thanks to the folks in the Fruits Basket discord, but especially Kiridork and OneWordTest for figuring out the floor plan of Shigure's house, so I could plan his scamper to freedom.


End file.
